47, today she would have been 47. But she is, by choice forever stuck at age 46. It is hard to imagine such a thing. Suicide. It has been a bizarre seven months since she took her own life. Somedays, it feels so surreal like it did not really happen or it is just a dream. But days like today, reality slaps me upside the head with the truth. The world since that day, it all is so different. It is funny how a deep pain can truly change the lens to the world. I have changed every aspect of my life, but if I am truly honest, it is not all a bad thing. I think we often in the daily grind, miss the true beauty in everyday living. We get so wrapped up in our lists, our need-tos, we don’t really look around and take it all in. But, I think that it really is the point. The things that truly shape us, are never the easy, mountaintop type moments. The change that is really permanent is in the hard.
Beginning to write or diary or blog or whatever this ends up being, has been on my mind for the past months, but there are some days when I feel like I can’t string together a thought to develop a good sentence let alone any thought-provoking wisdom, but again, I think the raw honestly maybe the point. Raw honesty brings light to the things that live in the darkness. Life for those after suicide, is darkness. Total darkness.
So, as I began to put into words all I have learned and continue to learn over the past months, I want to start with you are loved. I am not naive enough to believe that love is enough to save someone. If only. But you are loved and were created by God for a unique purpose, a purpose only you can fulfill. The journey on this side of heaven, is the walk to discover and fulfill that God ordained purpose. Sometimes that purpose is born out of great pain.
Over the course of the last few months, I have listened to sermons, read books, absorbed some amazing music, and listen to podcasts. There is a lot of wisdom, people have been thru some stuff. But something that I cannot stop thinking about came from a book by Levi Lusko. “Pain is a microphone. And the more it hurts, the louder you get. Suffering isn’t an obstacle to being used by God. It is an opportunity to be used like never before.”
Pain, I know well, but a microphone, I do not. So, should you choose to join me on this journey, I will attempt to discover how to use the darn thing.
More to come….Blessings!
S-
Turning Wounds Into Wisdom 